I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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