On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
this hospital has no fireball
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
