i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
