Banned from zoo.
Again?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I am one with the molecules
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize