she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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