I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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