i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
