Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
