y did u give ur computer a hand job?
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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