I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
