i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
