i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize