I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize