A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
