I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
