I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
