i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
