hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
