Umm I'm too high to move.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize