i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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