do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
