before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
