She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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