i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
