Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
