Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
