This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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