Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
