the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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