My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
