escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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