last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
