This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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