the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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