you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
