I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
