How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
