So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
