I cannot find my penis.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize