Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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