I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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