OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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