Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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