just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
