dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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