She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
