I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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