in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize