Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
