Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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