First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
