Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
