She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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