good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
