I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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