Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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