see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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