my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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