i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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