I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You are a genius and a whore.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
