So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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