I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
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