I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
