i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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