I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
