Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
