Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i drank out of a bidet.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
