Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
