i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Reggie can tackle my bush.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
